“And my kids, they don’t help either...” | Rodney Dangerfield

“What a doctor. I called him last week. I told him, ‘Doc, I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.’ He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.” | Rodney Dangerfield

“With my wife, I got no sex life. The dog keeps watching me in the bedroom, wants to learn how to beg.” Think you have what it takes to riff with Rodney’s good friend, Jay Leno? Submit your best dog joke to the You Bet Your Life with Jay Leno Smart Dog Contest for your chance to take home $1000! Visit https://youbetyourlife.com/smartdog to enter. | Rodney Dangerfield

“I tell ya, I don’t get a break with nothing. I joined Gamblers Anonymous, they gave me two-to-one I don’t make it.” | Rodney Dangerfield

“I’m ugly, I’m tellin’ ya. My proctologist, he stuck his finger in my mouth.” | Rodney Dangerfield

“I got a tough family doctor. He told me if I keep smoking, I’ll take 10 years off my life. If I keep drinking, another 10 years off my life. If I don’t pay his bill, I’ll be dead by tomorrow.” 🎬: The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson | Rodney Dangerfield